By: Rowan Pelling
QUESTION: My sex life with my boyfriend of a year is dull because he only ever wants to have sex in the same position. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he shies away from intimate conversations. I love him and don’t want to end the relationship, but I can’t bear such routine love-making.
Answer: When I read your letter I had just stepped from a London taxi where the driver had told me he owned 25 identical shirts, so he could wear the same outfit every day.
This sort of obdurate consistency is not unusual among men. Many enjoy routine and this tendency can extend to the bedroom.
I imagine your boyfriend feels safe and confident with one sexual position. He’s mastered a particular approach to sex and presumably finds it’s a reliable source of pleasure. Where he’s made a mistake, however, is in believing this brings you equal bliss.
Your partner may feel he’s reliable in bed, rather than dull. It will be hard for him to acknowledge he’s controlling the sexual relationship to the exclusion of your preferences.
If your man hasn’t allowed you to voice your dissatisfaction clearly, he probably has little idea how unhappy you are. You need to open a full and frank dialogue with your lover, without knocking his ego so badly he doesn’t dare make love again.
You say your boyfriend has ducked away from your best attempts at discussion. Many men find intimate conversations mortifying and can’t enter into them without the aid of alcohol or even mild threats (‘You’re dumped unless you open up’).
You need to find a time and place where your chap can’t beat an easy retreat. A restaurant or hotel room would prevent a dash to the safety of the potting shed.
It’s also important to be warm rather than critical. Lack of imagination isn’t the same as being actively selfish, so don’t be too tough on the poor man.
And do bear in mind that a previous lover may have made your partner feel nervous about experimentation.
We need only one person to pour scorn over our attempt at sex to wither like a popped balloon. Creatures of habit need coaxing and praise to try something new — the key thing is not to frighten them by going too far.
It looks as if you will have to be the innovator in the relationship if you want to shake up things. I wonder if you’ve tried taking the initiative in bed?
You could even claim that a bad back or strained ligament means that you can’t make love in his preferred manner.
If you suggest something new in a sensual way perhaps he’ll be willing to be more adventurous.
I’d also advise you to buy a couple of good, clear, unthreatening sex guides that you can read together. The Joy Of Sex is to the bedroom as Delia Smith is to the kitchen. The Rough Guide To Sex is a bit more youthful, while Tracey Cox’s Hot Sex covers all the bases.
If none of this works, you will have to settle for becoming a creature of habit yourself or issue an ultimatum.
It seems to me that you can’t have equality in bed if one lover imposes their sexual tastes to the exclusion of their partner’s.
Advice By: Rowan Pelling
From Daily Mail's Rowan Pelling's Sex Advice Column.